Ecclesiastes 5:5

So, today.

I had an experience today that really opened my eyes to a lot of things. First off, I should start out by saying that I wore a navy blue t-shirt to school today that says "SHOW JESUS" in huge neon green block letters on the front. Making a statement? Some might say so. I'm just setting the stage here.

So, my freshman and sophomore years I could not STAND when upperclassmen would cut in line during lunchtime. I seriously could not stand it. Upon entering Junior year though, I found myself doing that exact thing. Everyone else did it, and it wasn't really a big deal. I mean, everyone would eat eventually, right? It didn't matter where you were in the line. I just had friends close to the front and I'd jump in with them, not really thinking anything of it. After all, I'm just one person. The people behind me wouldn't have to wait too much longer if one person went ahead of them.

There's also this teacher. He's kinda an odd-ball. (I mean most people think he's totally wack and off his rocker, but I actually kind of like him a lot. He's different, not cookie-cutter whatsoever, and he treats me like I have a voice; almost like a peer.) Anyway, one day at the beginning of this year he commented on how bland one of my outfits was (gray t-shirt and blue jeans). I asked him if he had read my shirt, and he said no. It was a shirt that promoted sponsoring a child in a third-world country. He promptly apologized and then said that he appreciated my shirt a lot more than he originally had. To this day I joke around with him about it, asking if my outfit is bright or vibrant enough for him and similar questions like that. I walked with him to lunch as we discussed our outfits for the day (his, a blue button-up and mine, read first paragraph). I went and set my stuff on my lunch table and joined my friends in the lunch line like I do everyday, but today I noticed that teacher was in the line too... the same line I had just cut ahead of him in. Yikes. I recognized what I had just done, but I didn't really give it much thought. It wasn't a rare occurrence for someone to jump ahead in line, after all.

At the end of the day, my theater director/favorite teacher asked me to come and talk to him before I left. I stopped in his room and he said that a little birdie had told him that I cut in the lunch line. I knew immediately what he was talking about, and I immediately felt shame. I knew what I'd done the second I did it, but I didn't think anything of it. As I stood there listening to my favorite teacher tell me what I already knew, I couldn't help but acknowledge the wrong that I had done (and had been doing) since the beginning of the school year. I had cut off about 30 people in the lunch line EVERY DAY since the BEGINNING of the school year. Doesn't that just give a glimpse of my selfish mindset of how entitled I must think I am to just go ahead of all the people that had done the RIGHT thing and stood in line where they belonged? The right place to stand? Where I should have been? My director/teacher told me to address it with the other teacher as soon as I saw him. As I rounded the corner to walk down the stairs to leave, who else would I run into than that teacher. Heh, God, your sense of humor is just SO FUNNY.

So I addressed it. And I felt miserable. I strive to be better than that. How could I have been doing something so regularly that I swore I would never ever do? He told me that he thought I was a good person, and that when he watched me do that he told himself, "Nah, she'll go to the back of the line. She'll do what's right. That's just her character." But no. I did what was wrong. I took the easy way out. My actions might as well have screamed out to the whole cafeteria "I THINK I'M BETTER THAN ALL OF THESE PEOPLE BEHIND ME. I DESERVE MY SALAD FIRST!" How embarrassingly disgusting of me. I can't even believe it. Naturally, I told him I was sorry, and you know what he replied?

"I don't believe you."

Uh, what? I asked, "What makes someone truly sorry then?" I wanted to know. I felt truly sorry. How could he not see that I really did? He said it was empathy. Empathy makes someone truly sorry. He said that as I laughed along with my friends up in the front of the line, there was a boy (probably a freshman) that I was standing right in front of who looked like just about the meekest person in the world. He watched me with sunken eyes. I didn't acknowledge him. I can't even... UGH. It's so bad! How could I do that to someone?! I was doing exactly the opposite of what I wanted my life goal to be: Represent the face of Christ to the underdog. How was cutting that boy off in line showing him Christ? I'll tell you right now, IT WASN'T. This teacher said that he thought for sure that I'd go to the back of the line, but I didn't. I consciously made the wrong decision, as I bore Jesus' name in bold neon across my chest. How... wow. No words, man. NO WORDS.

Thanks to people like that teacher who is looked down upon by practically 95% of the student body, I have become a better person today. Cutting in line isn't cool. Who cares if it takes me a few more minutes to get my food. Instead of barely finishing before the bell because I run my mouth during lunch, maybe I should take a few extra minutes to do what is right and shut my mouth more so I can finish on-time while doing what's right. Huh? Oh, there's no perfectly good reason I couldn't do that? Right, exactly. From now on, I swear on Ecclesiastes 5:5 that I will not cut in line. Jesus wouldn't have done that, so who do I think I am to think that it's okay for me to do that? I'm so thankful that teacher held me accountable. Even though I'm sure he lost respect for me today, it's nothing that I can't use to grow from. We all make mistakes and lose people's respect, but it's taking that mistake and learning, changing, and growing from it that makes others respect you all the more.

A Little Stress

I'm laying in bed now, winding down from a looong day. I'm exhausted, and after only one play practice, I'm already starting to get annoyed. It's strange because I'm getting along with everyone a lot better than last year and I'm much more accepted, but I just can't put my finger on what's bothering me. Maybe it's the fact that I am going to be majorly affecting my parents' schedules for pick-ups/drop-offs or the fact that it's going to be quite a struggle to maintain a 4.0+ GPA while being in the musical. I know I'm going to have to find a way, but it's the way to find the way that is stressin' me out.

In light of the way I was feeling after school (use previous paragraph for reference), I decided that I needed to do something to alleviate my anxiety. Do you know what I ended up doing? I gave myself bangs. They're not super dramatic bangs, but they're nice and light and wispy. I've tried to give myself bangs before, but they didn't end up working out very well at all (although I have to admit that I was in the seventh grade when I tried it). Thankfully, I liked it this time and I think they frame my face in a really cute way. Score one point for Toni!

I should probably be going to sleep now. I've got a busy day tomorrow at school. A quiz, a test, and a three hour play practice are on my agenda for tomorrow, and I have to get home and do my chores too! Wow, and then I'm going to be away from home all weekend (I'll be at a youth conference) and I won't get back until Sunday afternoon. There goes my weekend! Plus I have my English semester project that's due in a little more than two weeks that I've barely started. Yikes, I'm a busy girl! G'night!